life time warranty...

may tatlo akong option na binigay kay lord isang gabi matapos kong mapag isipan ang lahat ng bagay bagay sa buhay ko:

una:
pag hindi pa rin ako nagkaroon ng boyfriend sa edad na 25, magmamadre ako. (seryoso ako.)

pangalawa:
bigyan niya lang ako ng limang taon, limang taon lang, kasama si kevin, at after that, pwede na niya akong kunin o kaya kahit anong gusto niyang ipagawa sakin, gagawin ko. basta limang taon lang sa piling niya ang hinihiling ko.

at ang pangatlo at pinaka gusto kong option sa lahat:
dahil good girl naman ako from the very start, ibalato na lang niya si kevin sakin. promise, aalagaan ko siya, ipagtatanggol, hindi iiwan, ipagluluto, ipaglalaba, kahit ako pa ang magmasahe sa nananakit niyang tuhod, gagawin ko. basta, gusto ko, bigay nalang xa sakin ni lord-walang labis, walang kulang, no return and no exchange.


siguro nga love na talaga to. ive never been so stupid in my entire life.
kahit anong klaseng logic and explaination sakin hindi parin ako sumusuko.
yun nga lang, wala din akong nginagawang paraan para matupad ang pangarap kong mapasakin si kevin the seminarian.
ang dami kong kakumpitensya. mga lector na panay ang papansin sakanya after nyang magserve, mga choir na magsisimba kahit hinmdi linggo basta makita lang sya, pati yata mga kapwa niya sakristan type xa eh..!! nakakaasar naman.
ano ba naman ako kumpara sa kanila?
maganda lang naman ako, matalino, magaling magluto at masipag. un nga lang, dahil hindi niya alam na nageexist pala ako sa mundo, hindi din niya alam ang mga good traits ko na to. hehe..


pero mahal ko sya. yun ang malinaw. siguro mahal ko na siya mula pa lang nung una ko syang makita. apat na taon nang nakakaraan, sa parehong simbahan kung saan nandon parin siya ngayon. dati, hindi siya kumakanta, hindi ngumingiti, at bilang ang mga kilos at galaw. ngayon, halos apat na taon nang nakakaraan, marunong na siyang ngumiti, kumakanta at nagreresponse na sya sa misa, at nakikitaan ko na siya ng emosyon tulad ng pagka antok, pagkainis, pagkataranta at iba pang mga emosyon na nararanasan ng mga normal na tao..

nakakainis, hanggang ngayon, wala akong ibang kayang gawin kundi ang tingnan ang fs niyang naka private naman. supladonmg gago yon. pasalamat sya, mahal ko siya..

hay..

numb..

alam nio b ung feeling ng wala kang ma-feel..??

oo, tama ung nabasa nio,

feeling ng wala kang mafeel..

ung tipong numb ka nah..??

ewan q kung nafeel nio n yun,

pero aq,

feel n feel q un..

mula nang bumalik "xa" mula sa bundok,

mula nang nagprusisyon xa sa gitna n nakasuot ng itim,,

parang nawala n q sa sarili..

pagkakasuno sunod ng naramdaman ko:

gulat.
saya.
lungkot.
lungkot.
lungkot.
lungkot.
lungkot.


at huli,

kahunghangan..

wala n qng nafeel after that..

naglalakad aq,,

nagluluto,

natutulog o nagbabasa ng libro,

un ang nararamdaman koh..

yung tipong parang may ibang taong nagmamanipula sa utak moh..

hindi mo alam kung pano mo nagawa un dahil kung iisipin,

hindi ka na nakapag isip, at hindi n ikaw ung taong alkala mong ikaw,

pagkatapos mong makita un..

i tried everything to convince myself its ok..

i tried to bargain with God in asking him to PLEASE, IM BEGGING YOU, LEND HIM TO ME FOR JUST FIVE YEARS..

that's all i want; a memory with him..

and after that moment to remember,

God can ressume his original plan for him and ill let him go..

just five years, lord,

five years..

five..

..an asthma girl is inlove with mr.smoker

JEROME TAMBUNTING..

tall.
moreno.
a CERTIFIED SNOB.
the bonnet guy.
the bad boy.
my wildest dream.
my love.
my newest happiness.

he spells T.R.O.UB.L.E:

he smokes. (maybe he thought its 'astig')
he drinks.(i do too.)
he use illegal drugs (his friends do, so therefore i conclude he also does )
he's in a band(they play in bars and all.)
he has a lot of girls. (well, no need to say. its SO obvious)
he hates gays. (boys.!)
and lastly,

HE IS THE MOST SNOBBISH YET MOST HANDSOME GUY IVE EVER MET..

whooh..!!

i like him..

i have a crush on him..

im crazy about him..

give me one month,

and im definitely inlove with him..

he's the guy my mother tells me to avoid..

but his enigmatic ayes tells me otherwise..

..flightless bird- 'its just me.!'

ok, malungkot aq.. malungkot na malungkot..

ilang araw n nga aqng umiiyak eh..

i feel and look like a fool..

nsa jip aq, bigla nlang mangingilid luha q..

nsa simbahan aq, kumakanta ng 'ama namin', naiiyak aq..

langyah, muka na qng tanga eh..!!

i feel so useless..

a TRASH..

un aq..

mula ng pasukin q ung chenes na un,

lahat n nang kind of stress naranasan q..

physical stress,
mental stress,
at higit sa lahat,
emotional stress.,.

ewan q bah,

hirap palang maging debater na hindi magaling..

i dont want to adjudicate,
i dont want to do reply speeches,

i want to DEBATE..

i really want to..

and im trying my best.

damn it..!!

naiinis aq sa sarili q..!!

damn..!!

kung matagal n qng ngquit sa debsoc,

cguro di q nararanasan mga stress na toh..

cguro hndi aq nasasaktan ngayon..

pero ewan q bah,

i cant and i dont want to quit..

cguro masokista talaga aq..

cguro matigas talaga ulo q..

cguro gusto q talaga yung napapahiya aq at
pinamumukha sakin na isa aqng average. mediocre. ordinary. run of the mill.

wala aqng panama sa iba qng mga kasama..

tsk.

valedictorian ung isa, scholar nmn c centrum..

eh aq..?

section 6 out of section 8 nga aq nung 4th yr high school aq eh.,.

hai, rants.rants.rants..

puro nlang aq rants..

kelan kya magkakaroon ng sense mga sinasabi q..??

worse than anthrax and SARS..

“Love is complicated thing when it comes to you.”

That is just a mushy line taken from a tagalong pocket book that I read out of boredom. I used to read tons and tons of pocketbooks when I was in elementary and early high school. But I realize how shallow I must be so I stop reading those books and transferred to English fiction books which, if not can give me scientific and moral lessons, at least can sharpen my English skills. It is just as what I’ve already said awhile ago that out of boredom that I was able to read a tagalong pocketbook again and I’m surprised on how frigid and masochistic I turn out to be.. Frigid because I don’t feel anything while reading the supposed to be romantic texts in the book. I just read it. I was able to absorb things that are In there but they weren’t able to appeal in my emotions- Except that one statement that I’ve read in one of the endless pocketbooks that my classmates feed to me.

Love is a very complicated thing. I know that. Everybody knows that. Whoever thought that love is a simple thing is either a player or doesn’t really love at all. But what appeal to me is not love being a complicated thing but love being complicated for a certain person. And I think I am the one that line is pertaining about.

I love. God knows how much I love deeply. But that love, wasn’t always reciprocated to me. It is always a one sided love wherein the person I am giving my heart to is either not aware of my feelings for him, already found his better half, which unfortunately is not me, or simple a person who needs to fix himself first before he can find the courage to love again.

Call me bitter, battered, or anything else that you can comprehend, but after those endless, (yes, I can’t count them anymore) one sided love that I felt, I just cant love anymore. Yes I have crushes, lots and lots of crushes, but they are just front liners. its just so that I can say that I have somebody whom I adore. But really, they doesn’t appeal to any of my senses.

Maybe my being battered in the game of love is the reason why my heart now is under a major renovation. I don’t allow anybody to penetrate to my senses until I am fully okay. My friends tell me that the reason why im still loveless is because I set a barrier between me and love. I think that’s a positive thing. For I will know that he is really the one meant for me if he take the initiative to climb into the wall that ive made and reach for my heart. If that time came, I think I will be able to convince myself to try again in the game of love. But until that fateful day came, I will continue to be a battered and bitter person that I today and I will continue to read pocketbooks in the hope that it will awaken the sleeping emotion here in my heart..


“How do you heal a broken heart?..”

in between indianshoots and headaches..

I’m a materialistic person. That’s what I found out lunch break this afternoon. We were talking about life of couples sharing simple meals, going to simple places and living simple lives when I realize that I will not be satisfied with that kind of life. Ok, luneta, kwek-kwek, jollibee, and gumamela sounds ‘cute.’ You can really say that its true love beyond compare. Its like, accepting your love one as he/she is and not focusing on material things and all that stuff. Simple life. No extravagant and fancy restaurant. That is so realistic and down to earth. Admit it, that’s what happening now. With recession going on in the whole world and banks shutting down, you have to do cost-cutting and should not expect 5-star hotel dinners and tulips during anniversaries. But, let’s admit it, (especially to girls) 5-star hotels do have its plus factor. When a guy can buy you everything you want, when you can just enter any restaurant regardless of its menu price, you can experience a comfort that is too hard to describe. I really believe that love CANT keep us alive. When you are hungry and 6 kids beside you is crying of hunger, no matter how much you love them, you cant do anything. So as much as I want to meet someone that would love me endlessly, I also want to make sure that no matter what happen, he can take care of me. That I will nor starve, that I will never envy girls in having something that I don’t have. I want to have certainty. I want to be sure that he would do everything that I want, give me everything that I need, and would take me anywhere that I want. I want to have contentment or if you’re gonna argue that people never have contentment, then I want my discontentment to be filled right away. I don’t want to jump on something with somebody without being sure if that someone can give me the life that I want. Yeah ok, call me greedy, call me materialistic, call me worldly or even selfish, but that’s what I want and I’m going to stick to my standards. So to you who is reading this, I already told you in the first line, I’m materialistic. Live with my expectations or just quit.



“Kissing your hand may make you feel very
very good but a diamond and sapphire bracelet lasts forever.”



***************************
Oh well, but in the end, who knows, I might fall
in love with someone as poor as a rat. When that time
came, you can laugh at me by your hearth’s desire, but I don’t
give a damn. Maybe at that time, love’s blindness already Conquer me
that I already forgot that once in my life, I wrote something as ambitious as this.

chico

Sa buhay, hindi ang great love mo ang makakatuluyan mo.
Kundi ang correct love mo..

*****************************************


“Chico.”

Kung tatanungin ako ngayon ng 10 salita na may mahalagang meaning saken, ito-ito ang mga isasagot ko: kahapon. Ligo. Palengke. Green. Pinya. Plastic. Load. Araw. Bangs. Chico. ]

Dec.30 2008. mga alas nuebe ng umaga. Hindi ako naligo kahapon kaya maaga akong naligo ngayon para makapagsimula na ng trabaho. Hindi dapat ako ang sasama kay tita sa palengke dahil nakatoka ako sa paglalaba. Pero sa di malamang dahilan, nakita ko nalang ang sarili kong nagsusuot ng headband at nagboboluntaryong sumama sa palengke.
Nagsisimula palang kaming mamili ng mga lulutuin sa media noche ay tagaktak na ang pawis ko. Nakakainis. Para akong hindi naligo. Kinse minutos makalipas, puno na ang mercury drug na plastic na hawak ko. Hay. Mabigat pala. Puro karne.
Pumipili si tita ng prutas para sa traditional “12 fruits” para sa new yr nang Makita ko ‘siya’. Bangs.
Yun ang naging parang landmark ko para malamang siya yon. Ang sadyang mahaba ngunit hindi pa emo nyang bangs. Para syang Vaseline boy sa kintab at kapal ng bangs nya.
Iba talaga siguro ang nagagawa ng seminaryo sa Camarines Sur sa hitsura ng isang tao. Nakasuot sya ng green polo shirt at red basketball shorts.
Hindi pa naliligo pero stand out parin sya sa karamihan. (hindi ako bias.) mataas ang araw kaya medyo nasisilaw siya.
Haai.. Ang gwapo niya lalo pag medyo nakapikit ang mata. Slow motion pa ang effect saken habang naglalakad siya papuntang tindahan. Ayokong tawaging destiny na nakita ko sya. Kasi pag tinawag kong fate yon, ibig sabihin may nakakonektang magandang bagay don. At wala.

Gusto kong isiping wala lang yon. Para sa future nya at sa puso ko. (andrama) accident lang na nandun kami sa bilihan ng chico na dapat eh hindi pupuntahan ni tita. Accident lang na sa dinami dami ng load outlets, dun sa 3 blocks away from his house pa niya naisipang magpaload. (pano ko nalamang nagpaload sya? Simple lang, may dala syang cellphone. :p) at accident lang din na hindi naman dapat talaga ako nasa palengke on the first place. Nabitin ako sa slow-mo effect nang pagdating nya kaya after buying chico, tinuro ko kay tita yung tig 10 pisong pinya na nakita ko malapit sa pinangloloadan niya.
Natigil ako sa paghinga nang Makita ko syang maglakad pabalik. (tapos na syang magpaload.) sa likod ko pa sya nagdaan kaya super kinabahan naman ako. Alam ko unethical, pero sinundan ko talaga sya nang tingin at nailang ata sya nang mapansing may nakatingin sakanyang di kilalang nilalang. Ewan ko ba, I cant help it but be attracted to him. as if there’s an unknown force that drawns me to him. siguro kasi kamuka sya ni Sam Concepcion. Siguro sa dati kong buhay, sacristan ako kaya madalas ako ngayong magkacrush sa mga tinatawag nilang “knights of the altar.” O kaya siguro sadyang pamatay lang talaga ang bangs at ilong niya na copy-paste kay rizal kaya dead na dead din ako sakanya. 4 years and counting ko na syang crush. Pero alam kong hindi tama. (eto na ang emong part.) alam kong detrimental to sa naghihingalo kong puso na nasa ICU parin hanggang ngayon. Hindi kasi gawain ng isang average reasonable person ang magilusyon sa isang seminarista kasi its obvious naman who his first love is. Hindi ko kayang makipagcompete sa nilalang na gumawa saken, sayong nagbabasa nito, at sa lahat ng bagay na nakapaligid satin. Malamang sa hindi, ako ang lalabas na talunan.
Tuwing nasa altar sya at nagseserve, blooming sya. Ang gwapo gwapo nya. There is peacefulness in him na hindi pwedeng di mo mapansin. May shortage tayo ng mga pari sa Pinas at ayokong mangupit pa ng isa kay God. At kahit naman siguro magbago ang isip nya at magdecide na magserve kay God in a different way, eh imposibleng mareciprocate and feelings ko for him. with his looks and attitude, (nafee-feel ko, mabait sya. ) madami nang babaeng halos maghubad sa harap nya wag lang syang pumasok sa seminaryo. But obviously, hindi sya natitinag at go parin sya sa pagserve kay lord. Well, ok na siguro to. After New Year naman kasi, babalik na syang CamSur at who knows, baka hindi ko na sya Makita ulet. (sad.) I wish him luck. Pag naging pari sya, mangungumpisal ako sakanya at sasabihin ko sakanya kung pano nung teenager ako, eh patay na patay ako sakanya. Baka gawin ko din syang presiding priest sa kasal ko . (kung may mabubulag ako.) pero sa ngayon, heto muna ako, magpapasalamat sa chico at sa mainit na sinag ni haring araw dahil nakasilay na naman ako sa sakristang apat na taon ko nang crush, hindi ko parin nakikitang ngumiti. Salamat chico…

Written Dec 30, 08
(rizal`day)
Encoded jan 1 09.
6:15 pm.
Np: half crazy by south border.

**********************************************************
mamayang 7:30, magsisimba ako.
Yun na ang huling pagkakataon ko na
Makita sya dahil pasukan na ulit sa jan 5.
Pag hindi ko na siya nakita mamaya, ang pagkikita
Namin noong Rizal day ang magiging huling alaala ko sakanya.



“MAY QUOTA ANG PAGIBIG. SA BAWAT LIMANG UMIIBIG,
ISA LANG ANG MAGIGING MASAYA.
Ang iba, iibig sa di sila iniibig. O iibig nang hindi natututo.
O iibig iibig saw ala. O kaya naman ay hindi iibig kaylanman.
KASAMA KA BA SA QUOTA?”